Dear Alex...

Dear Alex,

I'm writing this blog in the hope that you will find it someday. I feel that if I write it, God will lead you to it when you're ready. Because I know I have to give you some space.

It's been a week since you broke up with me, and I do miss you very much.
I apologize for the things I've done that you say hurt you. And I am very near the point where I'll be able to forgive you for hurting me.

HOWEVER:
In the past week, my friends and family have helped me to realize that I don't own as much of the blame for the relationship failing as you say I do.

To start with, it was NOT fair of you to tell me it was okay for me to go to the prom even though you couldn't and then, AFTER I've spent the money on a ticket, tell me it actually isn't. And I did not in any way go out of spite. I knew it wasn't your fault that you had a class that day. I went because Jenn pushed me to go. I went because it's an important experience for a girl. I went because I WANTED to.

And even then, that whole night, not 5 minutes went by that I didn't wish you were there with me. It wasn't all that spectacular an event. The only good points were that the food was good, and I saw friends I don't see often.

And listen, I'm sorry I talked about a previous crush too much that one time. I only did it because I didn't want to hide ANYTHING from you, but I realize now that you weren't secure enough. I should have waited a lot longer. Or perhaps never told you. I was just trying to be honest.

Please also know that you were never a second choice. You weren't even on the same ballot as him. And I barely knew the guy.
And it wasn't that I relized I couldn't have him so I settled for you.

It was that I realized I needed to move on. So I just started over, and found someone WAY better. And definitely more attractive. (I'm talking about you, BTW)

Well there's more I need to write, but I don't want to put it all in one post. So I'll save it for tomorrow.

I miss you.

~Molly

P.S. I still love you very much.

Today I've decided to first focus on the fact that you told me you weren't happy.

Well listen.

Have I not told you that happiness is often a choice?

Well it is. It's seeing that things aren't going exactly how'd like them to, knowing that you can't necissarily change them, and choosing to be happy anyway. Choosing to focus on the positive things in your life.

Second...
Now I apologize for the times I've snapped at you.
But there are somethings about it you need to understand.
One thing is something my mom helped me figure out.
And its that, when you start a relationship, you're on your best behavior. Not because you're hiding anything. But because you aren't secure enough yet to show the less pleasant parts of yourself, I guess.

But once you DO feel more secure, you let more of yourself show. Which I did.
It's an unfortunate part of who I am, for the time being. Though also one I've hid from pretty much everyone except my immediate family. And eventually, you.

And another factor, one I'm not eager to mention, but one you'll encounter with basically every teenage girl you meet, is PMS.
It makes things seem worse than they really are sometimes. Makes a girl feel iritatble. And perhaps a bit bitchy.

Now I'm not telling you about all this as an excuse to hide behind. I'm telling you because I want you to know that it wasn't a specific attack on you, or out of disreguard for your feelings. But just a part of my nature.

I know that this is a behavior I need to work on. But it's going to have to happen at my own pace. Not the pace of a guy who feels the need to change me.

Lastly for this post:
I never asked you to "look the other way" or "make excuses" for me. To do so is to place me on a pedestal, something I don't deserve. To do so is to place yourself in denial of the fact that I'm not perfect. What I've wanted, is for you to ACCEPT my flaws. Not ignore them.

So if you ever read this, please think about that.
No girl is without flaws. And if you don't realize that, you'll just get hurt again.
And I don't want that for you.

Until next time.

I miss you.

Love, Molly

I'm feeling a bit angry at you right now.
I don't want to be angry, but I can't help it.
So....
I have some questions.

Were you lying when you said you like seeing me happy? Because I'm not happy now.

Were you lying when you said I made you a better person?

Were you lying that time when you said you'd do anything for me?

Were you lying the day before you broke up with me when you said you were willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work? Thats what bothers me the most, I think. That you can say that, act like everything is fine, and then just out of nowhere decide that you just can't put up with me anymore. Especially after all *I* put up with.

What about the few days we were going to spend together this summer? You told me it was your way of saying thank you for all that school stuff I'd put up with.

And what about all the school stuff I put up with?! How pateint I was. Was that for nothing? Was it meaningless to you?
And do you really think it's fair for you to take away that thanks?
To break up with me so completely out of the blue?

No. It wasn't.

Well I hate to sound like a bitch, but congratulations, Alex.
You've become THAT guy.
That guy you tried so hard NOT to be.

Hopefully my next post won't be so angry.
But I needed to vent before it festered to much.
Something you need to work on.

Still miss you...

~Molly

First, I'm sorry about the angry rant. I just needed to vent my feelings.
This next post will be a sappy rant instead.

Anyways...

I miss you so much.
The morning is always hard, because I always dream about you.

I wake up, and I just feel SAD.
Sad about not being able to talk to you anymore.
Sad about all the things we used to do together that we may never to together again.
Sad because I can't kiss you.
Because you won't kiss me.
Because I miss your hugs.
Because you won't do little things just because you know they'll make me squeak.
Because I miss touching your face.
Because I miss just touching you in general.
Because I miss how you smell.
Because I feel like you hate me now.
Because I miss the affection and tender moments.
Because I can't look into your brilliant green eyes anymore.
Because I miss your laugh.
Because I miss you putting your arms around me and how strong you felt and how when you did I KNEW was safe.
Because I miss feeling so protected and cared about.
Because I miss the playful teasing and flirting.
Because I miss holding hands.
Because I miss being picked up.
Because I miss being held close.
Because I miss being able to tell you about my day.
Because I miss being told about yours.
And so many other things that would sound too lovesick and take way too long to write.

But mostly, I am sad because I just miss YOU.

I love you, Alex.

-Molly

There's a song, from the musical "Wicked", a duet sung by the main characters, that I've been thinking about a lot lately. It's called "For Good", and the lyrics apply to my life right now. And yours. It goes like this:

Glinda: "I've heard it said, that people come into our lives, for a reason. Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led, to those, who help us most to grow, if we let them. And we help them in return.
Now I don't know if I believe that's true.
But I know I'm who I am today, because I knew you.
Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes a sun.
Like a stream that meets a boulder, halfway through the wood.
Who can say, if I've been changed for the better?
But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good."

Elphaba: "It well may be, that we will never meet again, in this lifetime. So let me say before we part: so much of me, is made, from what I've learned from you. You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end, I know that you've rewritten mine, by being my friend.
Like ship blown from it's mouring, by a wind off the sea.
Like a seed dropped by a sky bird, in a distant wood.
Who can say, if I've been changed for the better?
But, because I knew you..."

Glinda: "Because I knew you..."

Both: "I have been changed for good."

Elphaba: "And just to clear the air, I ask forgiveness, for the things I've done you blame me for."

Glinda: "But then, I guess we know, there's blame to share."

Both: "And none of it seems to matter anymore."

Parts of it repeat after that, and are kind of hard to write down, so I'll stop there.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you. And to say this:

I've learned from all this. That I need to make some changes about myself. That I have some growing up, and maturing left to do.

And that I hope you realize that you do too.

I miss you tons.

Love,
Molly

This feels WRONG.
Not being in any contact or at all friendly with you.
It feels so SO WRONG.

And to be honest, I haven't given up on you. I wouldn't be writing these 'letters' if I had.

I can't let myself believe that after all we've been through, it just ends like it did. I don't believe that WAS the end.

I still keep hope.

I'm also worried about you.
I can't imagine you're doing much better than I am.
In fact, if I had to guess, I'd say you're probably doing worse. And I wish I knew for sure.

So if anybody with any information on that subject is reading this, please let me know. I am so very worried.

Because you're such a sensitive guy.

And I love you.

-Molly

Do you know, that I have never before cried so much over one thing? The only thing that comes anywhere near the sheer magnitude of how upset I am was when one of my exchange students, Tomona, went home. And even then, this feels worse because I can still contact her.

But you. It's been over a week, and I still cry over you.
I still DREAM about you. I still long for you like I've never longed for anything or anyone in my life. It's like a piece of me is missing. And that piece is you.

The plain truth of the matter is, that for the time being, you still have my heart, even though I might no longer have yours.
I long to be your girl again, Alex.
I still AM, in my heart.
Though I get that I'm probably not in yours.

But if you ever read this, know that I'm always here for you if you need me. And that will never change.

I love you.

-Molly

This is the first morning since the break up where I don't feel so despaired. I do not recall dreaming about you last night. Though sometimes it takes a while to remember. But I usually feel the despair before I remember.

Today is Father's day. I'm going to Cape Cod with my family for the day to see relatives.
Hopefully that will prove to be a nice distraction.

I do really miss you. Though I have not as yet given up all hope.

One of the reasons I have this blog, I guess.

I hope you're doing okay. :/

Still love you.

-Molly

You know, I feel like you broke up with me for making mistakes.

Well let me tell you, EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.
Including you.

And if I ended things every time I got a bit fed up with something I didn't like, I would have ended it many times.

But I didn't, because you were more important.

So was I not? Was I not worth your trouble?
Was I just not good enough for you?

Because that's what it feels like.

Still missing you terribly.

-Molly

I need to talk to you.

I need to see you.

I need to hear your voice.

I need *you*.

:'(

I love you.

-Molly